Freedom or Bust
For 20 most of my life I had been in one of two place; feeling guilty or feeling stressed. If I stopped worrying about money and food I felt guilty. If I went on a diet or budget I would stress constantly about doing it right.
So I decided that for me it was freedom or bust. I was going to learn to walk one day at a time without the control of a diet. My goal is to make choices one at a time. To CHOOSE, not be compelled, or controlled by my emotions. I don't know where you are on your journey or if you believe in God, but without faith in Him, this would not be possible for me. Alcoholics Anonymous calls on a higher power when they realize they are helpless to change on their own. I was, and am, there on a daily basis. For me, I am a Christian. As a Christian I believe I was created; I also believe that my creator knows me and promises that if I walk with His spirit I will not carry out the desires that want to sabotage me.
That is my goal. Choosing to follow and live in freedom versus being controlled by compulsions or unrealistic restrictive plans that leave me with regret and shame. I choose freedom.
The scale and checkbook balance became my daily measure of success.
My mind was obsessively going over calories, counting carbs, or assessing my current debt situation. This rabbit hole usually ended with a bowl of ice cream to calm myself down.
There were very few days that I ever felt free of the burden of my habits. I was afraid that I was doomed to failure and a life where I would just be fat and broke forever.
I had seen glimpses of freedom, days when truth would penetrate the influx of information. I had been consuming books on the subject. The good days, but they were far and few between. The draw of the habits was strong, the need for the outside control diets and budgets felt safe. Even if they hadn't worked.
Don't misunderstand me, I am not saying you should eat and spend "willy-nilly". I am saying those "tools" can become just as much a habit as eating and spending. I spent most of my life between binging or dieting, spending or budgeting. I was anything but free.
I had seen glimpses of freedom, days when truth would penetrate the influx of information. I had been consuming books on the subject. The good days, but they were far and few between. The draw of the habits was strong, the need for the outside control diets and budgets felt safe. Even if they hadn't worked.
Don't misunderstand me, I am not saying you should eat and spend "willy-nilly". I am saying those "tools" can become just as much a habit as eating and spending. I spent most of my life between binging or dieting, spending or budgeting. I was anything but free.
ONE DAY I HAD FINALLY HAD ENOUGH. In all my years of struggling I was fatter and broker than when I had started. It was time to get off the merry go round.
So I decided that for me it was freedom or bust. I was going to learn to walk one day at a time without the control of a diet. My goal is to make choices one at a time. To CHOOSE, not be compelled, or controlled by my emotions. I don't know where you are on your journey or if you believe in God, but without faith in Him, this would not be possible for me. Alcoholics Anonymous calls on a higher power when they realize they are helpless to change on their own. I was, and am, there on a daily basis. For me, I am a Christian. As a Christian I believe I was created; I also believe that my creator knows me and promises that if I walk with His spirit I will not carry out the desires that want to sabotage me.
That is my goal. Choosing to follow and live in freedom versus being controlled by compulsions or unrealistic restrictive plans that leave me with regret and shame. I choose freedom.
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