Freedom or Bust

 

Freedom or Bust

For 20+ years I have been in one of two place; feeling guilty or feeling stressed. If I stopped worrying about money and food I felt guilty. If I went on a diet or budget I would stress constantly about doing it right. The scale and debt balance became my daily measure of success. My mind was obsessively going over calories, counting carbs, or assessing my current debt situation. The assessment usually ended with chocolate to help with the stress of the assessment. There were very few days that I ever felt free of the burden of my habits. I was afraid that I was doomed to failure and a life where I would just be fat and broke.
I had seen glimpses of freedom, days when truth would penetrate the influx of information I had been consuming on the subject. Those were good days, but they were far and few between. The draw of the habit to diet was strong, the need for the outside control of a budget felt safe.
Don't misunderstand me, I am not saying you should eat and spend "willy-nilly". I am saying those tools can become just as much a habit as eating and spending. I spent most of my life between binging or dieting, spending or budgeting. I was anything but free.
When I had finally had enough was the day I looked back and saw that I was worse off than I had been when I had gotten on the ride 20 years before. Any sane person would choose to get off the ride and walk away.
So I decided that for me it was freedom or bust. I was going to learn to walk one day at a time without the control of a diet. I had no idea how hard that was going to be. The 90 day plan has so far been almost a year. I have learned a lot, and am still on the Journey. My goal is to make choices one at a time. To CHOOSE, not to be compelled, or controlled. I don't know where you are on your journey or I you believe in God.  Alcoholics Anonymous calls on a higher power when they realize they are helpless to change on their own. I was, and am, there on a daily basis. For me, I am a Christian. As a Christian  I believe I was created; I also believe that my creator knows me and promises that if I walk with His spirit I will not carry out the desires that want to sabotage me.
That is my goal. Choosing to follow and live in freedom verses  being controlled by compulsions or unrealistic restrictive plans that leave me with regret and shame when I can't keep them. I choose freedom.